Becoming

Hello my friends, it’s been a while…..4 years if memory serves. You could say I’ve had what writers call a little block on the belfry. During that time, I have been becoming. Becoming a woman who owns her shit, becoming a sovereign being, becoming an empty nester, becoming someone who loves herself and enjoys her own company. It’s been a journey!

I spent the better part of 54 years self loathing. You should have heard the way I talked to myself. Let me tell you, if any of my friends spoke to me the way I spoke to myself, I would have slammed and locked the door on the friendship. I used to say that nobody had to criticize me or shame me because I was the queen of kicking my own ass. Can anyone relate? I cannot count the number of times I laid awake in bed running scenarios that occurred decades earlier over and over in my head telling myself how stupid I was, what an asshole I am, what a fill in the blank I was. Self deprecation was my super power.

I didn’t like myself and it showed. It showed in the men I chose. Men who were emotionally unavailable, even though we were married. Men who were verbally and emotionally abusive. Men who didn’t really like themselves, even though they created a perfect persona for themselves. It showed in my posture, the aversion to eye contact with another, the way I couldn’t laugh at myself and then it happened. After another short-term failed relationship, I stopped asking what’s wrong with these men and instead asked myself what was it about me that caused me to have one fly by night short term relationship after another.

It took a deep dive inward, (at this point I didn’t know just how much I didn’t like myself and how unworthy I felt), to self discovery. It wasn’t pretty. It hurt. It really hurt. I endured more than one dark night of the soul. I had to learn a whole new self-talk. I had to learn techniques to change the conversation when the self deprecation would start on autopilot. Just like any other habit, it took time and effort to break that thought pattern. Countless affirmations of worthiness were recited, uncomfortable moments looking in the mirror and telling myself I’m beautiful and saying I love you to my reflection. It didn’t come overnight, but it did come.

When we are trying to get healthy or lose weight, we watch what we feed our bodies, but how many of us watch what we feed our minds? It’s often an overlooked, forgotten step on our journey to wellness, but critical nonetheless. Total wellness is a mind, body and soul journey. You can have a healthy body, but if your mind and soul are hurting you aren’t healthy.

I used to think I needed someone to complete me; that I wasn’t whole if I didn’t have a counterpart in my life. If I just had love, I would be happy. The love that was missing in my life was love of self. I had to learn that I and I alone was responsible for my own happiness. I had to fill my own love tank. Know what? That love, once I learned it, was the most satisfying love I ever felt. Don’t get me wrong, the love my mother, children, family and friends have for me is incredible; I never want to live without it. However, the love of self allows me to believe I am loveable and that my friends, is life changing!

Am I a finished product? Hell no, there’s much work to be done and always something new to learn about myself, but I am becoming and that is beautiful.

Until next time friends. Remember, always be good to yourself, you’re the only you you’ve got.